The January Reset That Actually Works
A Therapist's Guide to Sustainable Change
Every January, the same story plays out.
Millions of people set ambitious goals. Gym memberships spike. Dry January begins with determination. Elaborate meal prep plans are drawn up. New journals are bought, first pages filled with aspirational intentions.
By February, most of it has quietly collapsed. The gym visits taper off. The glass of wine on a difficult Wednesday leads to abandoning Dry January entirely. The journal sits half-empty, generating guilt every time you see it.
This isn't a failure of willpower. It's a failure of approach.
Why traditional resolutions don't work
The problem with most New Year's resolutions is that they're built on punishment and deprivation. They assume that the way to change is through force - that if we're just disciplined enough, tough enough, committed enough, we can override our own needs and habits through sheer willpower.
But willpower is a limited resource. It depletes with use, especially under stress. And January - with its dark mornings, financial strain, and return-to-work pressure - is not exactly a low-stress time.
More fundamentally, the resolution model ignores something crucial: behaviour has a function. We don't eat chocolate or drink wine or avoid the gym because we're weak. We do these things because they're meeting a need - for comfort, for pleasure, for rest, for regulation.
Trying to eliminate a behaviour without understanding and addressing the underlying need is like trying to stop a smoke alarm by removing the batteries. The alarm stops, but the fire is still burning.
A different approach
What if, instead of asking 'What should I force myself to do?', we asked 'What does my nervous system actually need?'
This is a more therapeutic approach to change - one that starts with curiosity rather than correction.
When I work with clients who want to make changes in their lives, we don't begin with goals and action plans. We begin with understanding. What function does the current behaviour serve? What need is it meeting? What would have to be different for that need to be met in another way?
Take the classic resolution of 'exercise more.' Behind the desire to exercise is usually something deeper - a need for energy, or stress relief, or physical confidence, or time alone, or a sense of capability. When we understand what we're really seeking, we can find multiple ways to meet that need - some of which might be far more sustainable than forcing ourselves to the gym at 6am in January darkness.
What I learned from burnout
I spent almost 20 years as an NHS GP before I burned out. For much of that time, I operated in resolution mode - pushing through tiredness, ignoring signals from my body, believing that discipline and determination could override everything.
It worked, for a while. Until it didn't.
What I learned from that experience has shaped everything I do now as a therapist. Sustainable change isn't about willpower. It's about alignment - ensuring that what we're asking of ourselves is possible given our actual circumstances, resources, and nervous system capacity.
The body keeps score. It knows when we're asking too much. And eventually, if we don't listen to its quieter signals, it will make us listen to its louder ones.
Five principles for sustainable change
If you want to make changes that actually stick, here's what I've found works - both personally and professionally:
Start with 'why' - and keep digging. Before you set a goal, ask yourself what you're really seeking. Then ask again. Keep going until you hit something that feels true and fundamental. That's what you're actually working toward.
Make it smaller than feels useful. The change that happens is the change you can sustain. A five-minute walk every day creates more lasting change than a gym membership you use twice. Start embarrassingly small.
Expect ambivalence. Part of you wants to change; part of you doesn't. Both parts have good reasons. Instead of fighting the resistance, get curious about it. What is it protecting? What is it afraid of?
Build in flexibility. Rigid plans break. If your resolution requires perfect conditions to maintain, it won't survive real life. Build in contingencies, alternatives, grace for difficult days.
Focus on addition, not subtraction. Instead of 'stop eating sugar,' try 'add more vegetables.' Instead of 'stop scrolling,' try 'add a morning walk.' Adding feels expansive; subtracting feels punishing.
The real question
Perhaps the most important question isn't 'What should I change?' but 'How am I relating to myself while I try to change?'
If you're approaching change from a place of self-criticism - if the underlying message is 'You're not good enough as you are' - the change is unlikely to stick. We don't usually create lasting positive change through self-punishment.
But if you can approach change from a place of self-compassion - from genuine care for your own wellbeing, from curiosity about what you need, from patience with the process - something different becomes possible.
This January, what if the resolution was simply this: to treat yourself with the kindness you'd offer a good friend?
It sounds simple. But it might be the most radical change of all.
If you're struggling with the gap between who you are and who you want to be - whether that's about habits, relationships, work, or something deeper - therapy can help. It's a space to understand yourself better, and from that understanding, to grow.
I offer integrative psychotherapy in Guildford and East Horsley or online. Book a free 15-minute call to discuss what you are looking for.